Second Chances in Relationships

This wisdom is being passed along by a woman who has experienced this situation first hand. The advice given has paid off greatly for her and hopes to help you or someone you know in a similar situation.

Famous line in most relationships having trouble: "Give me a second chance."

Biblically: I was the one who was raised with old fashioned values. If someone does wrong to you don't forgive them seven times but 70 times 7 and after you have forgiven them continue to forgive them just as God forgives you. The bible says that the only reason to divorce is for adultery.

Legally: Only 26 states in the United States say that Adultery is illegal and Illinois is one of them. Of those only 16 allow adultery to be grounds for divorce and Illinois is not one of them.

Illinois: when I asked to file charges against my husband and his girlfriend for adultery the police officer promptly said "Lady, if I arrested everyone who committed adultery then two-thirds of everyone would be in jail." Mind you this is a state that says it is illegal. I guess that's why so many of Illinois governors have served time in prison. If those that are supposed to uphold the law don't then why should any of it's citizens bother to follow the law?

So many times in my past relationships I came across the words "Give me another chance!" Sometimes it was my partner and other times it was me saying it. Sometimes, especially while in high school my partner would say sure and we would be back together. As I grew up I never quite got over the hump to say enough was enough until I met Matt. In 2001 my second husband had passed away (a story for another time) and I was spending time either working or drinking. Sometimes I was working and drinking. Luckily I had a very understanding boss, that or he really didn't care. I met Matt when he came into the dealership I worked at to buy a car. He was sweet, charming, and had a rugged look. The car dealership was a buy here, pay here type of place so Matt came in every month to make his payments. On his second Visit he asked if "Maybe we could go out sometime." My interpretation was "We should hang out at a bar sometime." I answered maybe. On his third Visit he asked for my number. I gave it to him but doubted he would call.

Almost two weeks later I was on a dinner date when my cell phone rang. It was Matt asking if he could take me out. I quickly said yes and that I would call him back. That evening after a disastrous date (the guy thought it went great) I called Matt back. We made a date for two weeks later. About a week later he calls me back and explains that he is getting a divorce but really wants to date me but would feel more comfortable if we double dated with his mom and her new boyfriend so that I would know how sincere he was and that he wasn't lying about getting a divorce.

The night before we went out he called and we proceeded to talk for over three hours. My cell phone died, his cell phone died, and his home phone died before we stopped talking. Before I even went on the date I knew this man was everything I had ever looked for in a man. The problem was that when you are sharing your life story with someone else you tend to not tell them the negatives.

The date went fabulously. Actually it was very awkward as Matt's mom's date turned out to be a total embarrassment. The man couldn't shut up during the movie and to make matters worse seemed to be going out of his way to humiliate her. By the end of the date Matt's mom, Helen and I were quickly becoming friends. After we dropped his mom and her date off we drove around continuing to talk. The next day we met each other's children and I met his brother-in-law. A few days later I met his eldest sister and her children by the end of the week I had met his other sister, Cathy and her children. Essentially I met the entire family in a matter of one week and I loved them all.

One week later he was helping his brother-in-law's parents move. The U-haul truck they had rented had a failure of the emergency brake and the truck rolled back crushing Matt's brother-in-law, Vince. When I first got the call I stayed put. Matt's estrange wife and her sister had went to the hospital upon finding out and I figured that I had no right to be there. Afterwards I got a call asking to please come to the hospital. I spent a month of driving back and forth to the hospital, to their house, to my house, and running errands. I spent every extra penny I had helping their family financially. (Don't ever do this expecting to be paid back because there is never a guarantee unless it is written in blood and even then don't believe the blood is real.)

Vince recovered well enough to be home for Christmas and a wonderful Christmas it was. My children and I spent Christmas day at Vince and Amy's house. Matt bought me a beautiful gold cross necklace with his birthstone in the center surrounded by four diamond chips. Around two o'clock that afternoon Matt's estranged wife came by to pick up his kids.

She had problems of her own and the kids were spending most of their time with him. She would get them when it was convenient for her. At the time she was living with a man who was wanted for attempted murder of a police office. In February he was captured by the FBI and she came running to "her babies." She acted like he had prevented her from seeing her children for any length of time. As her children were four, three, and one and hardly knew her anymore Matt being the good father agreed to spend the night at her house on the couch so that the kids would stay the night. I was intimidated because she was his legal wife.

On Valentine's Day two weeks later Matt asked me to go to his sister Amy's after work. I arrived around four and anxiously awaited him to get there. Three hours later he pulled up and presented me with a beautiful gold bracelet where the tiny hearts linked together. I loved it but also asked why he was so late. It turns out he had to take his wife to the airport to catch a flight to meet another boyfriend. I went home that night with mixed feelings.

Life Lesson #28: If the person you like is married they are not on the market until the divorce is finalized!

That summer began the first of him going back to her. Always leaving her because he wanted to be with me. Going back to her, for the kid’s sake. Coming back to me because I was right for him. There were so many times this happened I can't even count them. Through all of this we never lived together as I was trying to hold onto some of the important values I had been raised with. Between 2002 and 2003 it became a strange game of cat and mouse. When he was with me she was doing everything she could to get him back. When I finally would think we were over and would start dating again he would "realize he was wrong" and want to start again.

At the end of 2003 a third girl fell into the mix. Her name was Janice and she walked into the car dealership where Matt was working. She was a sweet eighteen year-old that came in with a friend of Matt's and his now ex-wife, Denise. She was pregnant and needing a car as her boyfriend was going to prison. Somehow they ended up dating.

It became almost like a schedule. Date Denise, Date Wendy, Date Janice, rinse and repeat. At the beginning of 2004 Matt's best friend Joshua came to me and said "Wendy, I know you love him but he is always going to hurt you. You need to move on. I love you and I love Matt but I can't stand to see him hurting you. He lies to you and just keeps hurting you and your kids."

I walked away vowing that I would stop this cycle of bad relationship. Two months later before Matt had a chance to work his way back around to me Joshua died in an accidental drowning. My world shattered as did my children's. At Joshua's Funeral I sat next to Helen as we had become more than friends by now. I felt like she was my Mother and she felt I was her daughter. Matt sat on the other side of his mother and Janice on his other side. For the first time in my life I was furious with Janice. While Matt wear an appropriate all black suit she wore jeans, a dingy navy blue t-shirt, and dirty tennis shoes. She blamed her attire on the fact that she was pregnant and didn't have anything to wear except jeans.

Less than two weeks later Matt came calling. He said Joshua's death had made him realize what a fool he had been and not only did he want to be back with me but he wanted to get married. I began to plan a wedding that would take place in about six months time. However Matt didn't want to wait. We were married two weeks later and Matt and his three children moved in with me and my two children. Seven people living in a 3 bedroom, one bath home of under 900 square feet. Not an easy task but we managed. For the first six weeks at least.

Life Lesson #30 If you can't be faithful before you are married then what in the world makes you think you will be faithful after you tie the knot.

Shortly after our wedding Janice called him while we were in bed. He said "Let me answer and take care of this." He told her point blankly that he was married and she needed to leave him alone. I heard her reply "I don't care if your married or not." Shortly after that he hung up on her and we changed his cell phone number. Matt started coming home from work late. Then he would run errands late at night.

He began to make comments about the shape of my breasts how I should have surgery to make them perkier. I had breast fed both my children and was proud that they sagged. I had been a B cup in high school and a DDD while breast feeding and after went back down to a C. Of course they would sag.

He started going to his aunt's house quite frequently and as she had never been a great fan of mine I wasn't welcome there. One night while having sex he called me Janice. Shortly after the incident he moved out. For seven months he bounced between Janice and Denise before calling me up. He claimed he had once again seen the light, didn't want a divorce, and wanted to be back together. This time I moved in with him, his three kids, his elderly aunt, my two kids and me. All of us in a one bedroom duplex where the dining room served as a bedroom and so did the living room. He bought me a new set of wedding rings for Valentine's Day. In March, 2005 I turned thirty one. Two weeks later out of the blue at eleven pm he tells me he realizes this was a mistake and would I please move out the next day.

Even before I had my things moved out Janice had moved her things in. I figured it would be like before and he would come back. About two weeks later I was at the store and so were Matt and Janice. I was with my daughter and they had his three children. My daughter tried to talk to him and he ignored her and began talking to Janice. His children started talking to me and Janice ordered them to stop talking to me. I began to cry as the cashier started ringing me up. The cashier told them "She is free down on number nine." pointing to the other end of the store. Janice didn't budge then finally Matt began to push the cart down there.

The cashier kindly said "I take it you know them?" I whimpered like a defeated dog, "That's my husband and his new girlfriend. Those are my step-children." I was humiliated like no one had ever humiliated me before. High school for me had been horrible but this was a million times worse. I went home and stayed in bed for almost a week only getting up to feed the kids, get them off to school and go back to bed.

I had been such a crappy mother from the time my husband had died in 2001 until this point that I am amazed my daughter has turned out so well. This realization came with anger. I began calling Matt and asking him for an amicable divorce. I drew up the papers to say he kept what he had and I kept what I had and we were done for irreconcilable difference. The first set I gave to his Mother to give to him. He told me he tore them up. He didn't want a divorce. However he also wasn't willing to leave Janice and make it work with me.

Luckily we had bought his Jeep while we were married and my name was on the title. I had a key to it that I had in case of emergency. Six am on a Sunday morning I had a very dear friend who will forever be kept nameless drive me over to his house and drop me off. I took the Jeep and hid it away somewhere he would never find it. About two hours later I received a call from the Police asking if I had the Jeep. I replied that I did and as it had my name on the title I didn't think I was doing anything wrong. The Police were upset that I had not left the car seat and two booster seats as the children could not be transported without them. Funny they never added up that there were two adults and four children (including Janice's daughter) for a five passenger vehicle. However being the nice person I am I took the car seat and booster seats to the Police station. Janice was furious because some of her stuff was in the back. She claimed that her baby's stroller was back there but I never saw one. I am not so cold and heartless as to take a baby stroller from a baby.

At the Police station Matt asked what it would take to get his Jeep back. I replied calmly "I want a divorce." Janice spoke up and the light bulb in my head went off. "He has been trying to get you to get a divorce since you got married!" The one thing he had been fighting me on was getting the divorce was the very same thing he had been telling her he wanted and I wouldn't give him. I asked him to meet me at the courthouse the following day alone and we would end this and go our separate ways. I wanted a chance to tell him goodbye in private. We may have had four crazy years of on again off again relationship but I needed closure.

That next day he showed up, with Janice in tow. They sat behind me with heads together laughing and kissing. The court reporter was furious at their behavior when she found out He and I were here to get a divorce. The judge pushed the divorce through as I stood there humiliated.

About a month later I received a cal from Matt. He was in the middle of telling me he was through with Janice and wanted to meet and talk when she beeped in on call waiting on his end. He said "Let me tell her one last time it's over and I will call you back." That call never came. The phone call was to tell him her baby girl had drowned in the swimming pool while Janice had been too busy on the phone to pay attention to her. Her uncle was a police officer in the town where they lived and was able to make sure it was considered an accidental drowning and no charges were pressed against her for neglect. Strangely enough within two years of him doing so he was shot and disfigured by an armed suspect.

I couldn't help but wonder if Janice breaking up our marriage was being punished by Karma by her child dying. I couldn't help but wonder if her uncle being shot and disfigured for life was Karma for him covering up Kaylee's death. I couldn't help wonder that if Janice had been punished by Karma for breaking up a marriage then what had my punishment been or what would it be? Was my punishment one I was giving to myself by always going back to him or was it something more horrible still to come. Matt's mom told me that even though Matt was married when we met the marriage was over. Denise had moved on to a different man and so by dating Matt, I had not committed adultery. I pray to God every day to keep my children and loved ones safe. I don't get to talk to my step children very often but I love them and pray for them everyday.

I wish apologize to Denise for interfering in her marriage. I keep my distance from Matt and Janice who are now unhappily and unfaithfully married. I would love to be friends with Matt for the sake of our children but under the circumstances must remain distant. Janice still gets together with her baby's Father and Matt still gets together with his children's Mother. Matt and Janice break up and get back together just like he and I did. However it seems that he really wants his marriage to work and perhaps the game of cat and mouse they play with each other makes them stronger.

I however learned a very important lesson. After all it took me four years to learn it. When someone willingly and knowingly does harm to the relationship they are in, whether it be by lying, cheating on the other person, stealing from them, or any other offense done by choice, then the relationship is dead and it is time to move on.

I don't know the details of what happened between Tiger Woods and his wife Elin. None of us do as we are all outsiders looking into their marriage and can only guess what actually is happening. However I commend Elin for walking away. I believe that if he had cheated on her before they were married and she had known about it they never would have married. She is a woman whom I respect based on this incident and how she has handled the matter.

Life Lesson #06 :There are no second chances in relationships either get it right the first time or move on!